Recently a cyclist in France broke the world hour record for a 100 years old man recording a fantastic 17 miles. Aging is becoming less and less important when it comes to competing in sport, ok so he is not going to beat a twenty years old but could the twenty years old do the same eighty years later? Well not now, but the way that medicine is advancing it may be possible in the future, if that is the case then by 2070 the Tour De France could have a very different look from today.
TDF 2070 stage 1 Angers
The Tour De France stage 1 starts at Angers for veterans of 90 to 110 years old, the favourites this year are a team from England once again sponsored by Boots anti-aging cream and Lithium Heart Pacemaker Batteries Ltd, this year they are fielding a relatively young team of 90 year olds, well below the maximum permitted age of 110. There is much merriment at the start with the 100 riders shouting loudly at each other as their hearing aids have been confiscated due to an infringement by the Russian team the previous year when it was found they were hacking into them and giving false instructions to the leaders who had disappeared in the opposite direction to the rest.
The smell of rheumatoid cream hangs in the airand there are many delays due to weak bladders and faulty Asthma inhalers. The Brexit negotiations are still being broadcast over the loud speakers (with Theresa May’s great granddaughter taking the lead), they set off at the rapid pace of 15 miles per hour preceded by the advertising caravan and followed by a number of opportunistic hearses looking for business, tape measures at the ready. The first prime was won by the Dutch team who had exemptions for medicinal Cannabis, Morphine and super steroids, they crested the summit effortlessly closely followed by the Japanese team whose heart pacemakers were revving at 190bpm and causing interference on the team radios.
At the summit the French team were disqualified when one of their team sweating profusely melted his makeup and revealed that he was really only 85. The Polish team were moving as one well-honed machine, perfectly in line and slip streaming each other only inches apart and were soon leading the bunch. The commissar driving alongside became suspicious when a spanner flew out of the mechanics hand and stuck to the frame of one of the riders, it was suspected that they had super magnets inside their frames which attracted the hip and knee replacements of the rider in front giving an unfair advantage, however a mobile crane travelling in the opposite direction caused the whole team to veer across the road towards it. It took hours to disentangle the frames for which burning equipment had to be used.
After 60 miles the Dutch team were so high they were sitting on the grass verge smoking happy baccie with silly smiles on their faces and waving as the riders passed. The British team took the lead on the last climb of the day and crossed the line as winners only for a complaint to the stewards from the second placed Danish team about their excessive farting during the sprint which caused other teams to drop back. An enquiry was held while the whole GB team rushed to the toilets during which medical evidence was produced of incontinence by the team doctor, the British team were given the stage but with the condition that air fresheners were sewn inside their skin suits for the rest of the race.
